That’s where I am. (Correction—was. I decided I wanted to watch more movies and drink wine and not eat food because the airline ran out. Then I ate hummus at midnight. But you’ll get to that later. #healthyliving)
And, apparently, that’s how my life is as of late.
The past six weeks have been a whirlwind, and I have a bit of catching up to do (with both myself and my six readers). So I guess the easiest thing for me to do is to start from the beginning (or rather, where we left off). I’ll try to be as short and concise as possible.
Here we go.
Run the Bronx 10 Miler. Even though my weekend long runs boded well, and I felt I could really hammer out this race with a 7:35 pace, I fail miserably. Neared the black out stage I once reached before at mile 6. Pulled over at every aid station thereafter for Gatorade, which tastes like warm piss. Ali passes me at mile 8. I tell her it’s hot. It was. Finish in 1:22:48 (8:17).
Get medal. Tell His Lordship I want nothing more than wine and football. He acquiesces to my request.
After a series of vet appointments, hospital visits, countless blood work, and subcutaneous fluids, we say our final goodbyes to our beloved feline. Walsh and Reema aid our sorrows with wine and cheese. Astor, you will be forever missed.
Head to Laguardia for Wilmington Wedding Weekend Extravaganza. Find our trusty officiant and his girlfriend. Coerce kind lady at Delta counter to let them board our flight instead of their later one that included a connection in Philadelphia (ew). They sit behind us. Fun ensues.
We’ve finally reached the day we’ve been waiting for—our two families were about to meet at a glorious rehearsal dinner hosted by my glorious in-laws. The setting is beautiful. There is no rain. More fun ensues. #nailedit
Arise in the company of my captain and teammates. Start singing a tune to myself entitled, “Today’s The Day I Get Married.” (I made it up with the help of my betrothed.) Walsh, Katie and I go for a run. In the blink of an eye, I’m married, eating crab cakes, and dancing on the dance floor with tambourines. Grow concerned that I haven’t talked to anyone (weddings are hard). Drink more wine. Return to Figure 8 where we would be for the next two nights.
Am more hungover this day than the day after our wedding. Have lunch and farewell drinks with friends in the Wilmington airport.
Connect in Atlanta for a first-class flight I sleep through due to hangover. Arrive LAX, recheck bags, and take red eye to Papeete. Attempt to sleep on what is the most uncomfortable flight I have ever endured. No, seriously. Should you ever fly Air Tahiti Nui, you’ve been warned.
Arrive in Papeete. Take ferry to Moorea. See a whale and a flying fish that flew for a solid 15 seconds. Go snorkeling. Upon exiting the water, I notice my lady parts are on fire. (Sorry, parents.)
Am sad to be greeted like this on my honeymoon. Go to sleep by 7:00 p.m.
Awake at 4:15 a.m. Watch sunrise while listening to the sweet sounds of roosters (EVERYWHERE).
Go for a run. Come to the conclusion that the Moorea Marathon is now officially off the bucket list, unless the race start is at 3:00 a.m.
Chatted with a friend and native Floridian who helps me discover that I have sea lice. Splendid.
Celebrate 30th birthday. With sea lice.
Arrive Bora Bora. Moorea now looks like a dump compared to what we are witnessing.
Eat Greek salad for lunch. I miss the real thing.
Run on our resort’s “healthy trail,” which is less than a mile long. It’s more difficult than I imagine. Get lost. Our moving time is much less than our elapsed time.
Eat a delicious dinner at the hotel restaurant by The Fam. (A grand wedding gift—thank you!)
Arise and track friends running various marathons. Go bonkers when we see Walsh run a 3:13 in Chicagoland. Send her a selfie.
Eat a piece of purple fruit for breakfast. It tastes like gummy bears.
Realize I’m beginning to miss American food. Order French fries.
Take an extremely short flight (4 minutes total, take off to touch down) to Taha’a (pronounced Taha-ah).
Go completely off the grid. I hope there are no emergencies back home (again, sorry, parents).
Go running…for less than 15 minutes.
Snorkel in the Coral Garden. The current is fierce. The fish are beautiful. I will eat them later.
Take flight back to Papeete. Stand in extremely long check-in line. Tahiti is not up to speed with technology. Take red-eye to LAX. Miss connecting flight to JFK. (Lesson learned, husband!) Grab lunch. Sit next to man wearing two Super Bowl rings. He was an exec for the Colts. “Nice ring,” His Lordship says. Man passes 2006 championship ring to His Lordship. He holds the ring, looking a bit like Smeagol. He does not offer the ring to me. Grow very jealous. Finally board flight to JFK. Do not eat food. Finally land JFK. It’s now 10:00 p.m. We wait for luggage until 11:15. Get cab. Call local neighborhood restaurants/bars to see if kitchens are still open. Eat hummus and roast chicken at midnight.
Presently, I’m very tired. I feel like I’ve just come out of warp speed.
I realize I have a lot to do.
I have to get my shit together and find a job.
And another feline. (#Catwarmingparty!)
Oh, and I guess I have to change my name.
Thanks for tuning in. I hope to hear from you soon. (Seriously, anyone seeking employees in the food industry contact me ASAP.)
(or simply, Her Ladyship)